ASYLUM

* One week

Just one week to go until I no longer have to put up with the unique combination of the following which defines my current home:

• Dingy, ugly ground-floor ex-Local Authority flat with mouldy ceilings from where the flat above had a water leak.

• The electricity supply is fucked up. It's like there's not enough to go around. For example, if the kettle is on, the toaster will give you bread. In fact, using pretty much any kitchen appliance will cause lights throughout the flat to dim, slow the microwave oven, reduce the power to all the other appliances, and generally give you cause to cast nervous glances at the bulbs.

• I've lived all over the place for many years, including in Manchester, and elsewhere in London, and had no violence trouble at all. The nearest I came was walking to work one day in Guildford when a paranoid schizophrenic decided I was Jesus and flipped out, but nothing happened. Since moving to this particular flat... well, in the last 12 months my girlfriend and I have been attacked 4 times by gangs of youths.

• Noisy, noisy, noisy: Between neighbour's dog barking, the other neighbour's child throwing tantrums at all hours, nearby chavs having screaming-fit domestics in the street, church bells, London busses doing three-point turns right outside (BEEP BEEP BEEP), local yoofs shouting aggressively at each other, and more local yoofs tearing around on miniature bikes that sound like a recording of a lawnmower played back at double-speed in the middle of the night, I don't think I've ever lived somewhere so goddamn noisy.

Just one week.