ASYLUM

* Virgin Media Want To Charge Three Times For Each Piece Of Data

I have a radical idea for Internet Service Providers. Here it is:

You provide internet service, and we pay for it.

And that's it.

Unfortunately, Virgin Media aren't happy with this arrangement.

No, they want to charge firstly their customers, for receiving data from the Internet. Then, they want to charge the Internet, for sending data to their customers. Finally, they want to charge marketing companies to spy on everything Virgin's customers and the Internet say to each other.

Apparently, they're missing the point that an Internet Service Provider is paid to provide an Internet service, not a Disney service or a BBC service or whoever-they've-managed-to-extort-money-from service. They just see a huge field of customers and think "MINE!"

I don't think this "customers as fungible resource to be mercilessly exploited" business model goes far enough. I have a new business opportunity to offer Virgin:

Virgin Tenancy

In this exciting new entrepreneurial exploit, Virgin rent homes of "up to" 8 rooms to the 18-35 demographic. These customers pay the same rent as anyone else, although their houses may not actually have 8 rooms.

Then, Virgin charges IKEA, Habitat, John Lewis, Argos, Homebase and others "access fees" for permission to install their furniture in their customers homes. Now, the furniture isn't actually installed or paid for out of these fees, you understand — the customers still have to go to the store and buy and pay for their furniture like anyone else. It's just that if IKEA or whoever hasn't paid Virgin the "access fees", Virgin will install those tire-shredding devices on the customer's street, so their furniture won't get delivered for 6 months — and who's going to sleep on an inflatable mattress for that long?

Finally, Virgin riddles the house with CCTV cameras, and sells the footage on their pay-per-view channels. They claim it won't violate privacy, because they don't attach the customers' name or address to the footage, just a special number. Of course, there's an audio feed, so if someone happens to address you by name — or people just recognise you — well, tough luck.

What do you mean, you wouldn't live in a house like that? Get with the program! This Housing Neutrality thing is a load of bollocks!